why do i have to be strong?
also: how my definition of strength evolved
wrote this piece while listening to Cloud by Luke Faulkner
i remember crying on the last day of freshman year. i felt so messy, empty and behind. i had envisioned college to be where i would make lifelong friends and discover my passions. but none of that happened for me. instead, i felt so secluded, like everyone except for me was doing college right, though i now know this wasn’t true.
i think before that day i hadn’t cried in months. i was sad and lonely most of the time, but i did not cry. i never confided in anyone about how i was feeling really. i cried easily in high school but in college, i felt the need to be strong. because that is what separates grown adults and teens right? strength?
but what really is strength? is strength rejecting all your emotions? never asking for help? a life where you are never really affected by others or how you are feeling? or is strength is never stumbling? a perfect life?
how i view strength has changed over the years. after trying to live life with my prior definition of strength, i realized it was such a lonely way to live. i definitely did not want to be strong if it meant feeling so empty.
i prefer this definition of strength: strength is wisdom, or at least an earnest attempt to be wise. wisdom is the ability to see things as they are and yourself for who you are. the full awareness that you can’t have everything figured out. and you certainly are not unstoppable. the awareness you will occasionally falter, and will always need others for connection and support.
it took me a while to realize that life isn’t a race. and it certainly isn’t a contest about who has it most together. but life is about ending the day feeling like you have cultivated meaning through whatever means you have chosen.
so i definitely don’t feel like i have to be strong all the time. if strength means seclusion and rejecting my feelings. i let myself feel it all without guilt - the happiness from watching the leaves turn yellow, the anger for when the government violates us, and sadness for when life takes something away from me. i let myself practice vulnerability. i let myself be alive.
tell me, how has your definition of strength changed?