validation/vanity
also: the happiness trap, growth, etc.
hello! i am back :-) i will be traveling and working on different projects this summer. so i will be awol for a bit. but i promise to write whenever i can as i love doing this & am so thankful you decided to read this. here is a bit on external validation and vanity.
when i was fourteen i had big but superficial dreams. i wanted nothing more then than to attend a good college, live in a nice new york apartment with supreme city views, and meet the love of my life before i turned twenty-one. like any vain teenage girl, i wanted to do all that while being well dressed: tulle skirts, headbands, sundresses. i wanted the perfect superficial life.
from the ages of fourteen to twenty while i was chasing those dreams i never felt quite like myself. perhaps it is the consequence of trying really hard to fit into the narrative i had created for myself when i didn’t even know who i was.
it has been a few years, and i am arguably more enlightened. while i have even bigger dreams now i am no longer a victim of the validation trap. i used to be so driven by validation. everything i wanted could only be checked off by something apart from myself — a line on a resume or what someone thought of me. oh god, this was the worst part. because there was no way to know for sure what people thought or felt towards me i became an overly accommodating people pleaser!!
there were many issues with my dreams then beyond the obvious fact that they were very vain and self-centered in nature (ok i know you got to live your best life and all that. this is a discussion for another day. but i found life to be more meaningful when you try to live more selflessly).
but i think the main problem then was i assumed all those things would make me happy. or i needed those things in order to be happy. but since everything i wanted was so external-based, my happiness was held hostage — in the hands of someone else and in the distant future.
external validation is like a drug! it makes you feel so good at the moment. it tickles your ego and vanity. but it only lasts a few days. then, you are hungrier and fixated on the next big thing thinking it will suppress the urge forever. but it will never be enough. validation deprives you of freedom, it stops you from seeing yourself and your life clearly.
my journey toward a more validation-free life wasn’t propelled by a pivotal moment. but at twenty-one. i started to change slowly. i think i was just tired of feeling not happy. i wasn’t exactly unhappy, but i sure wasn’t happy.
i tried to focus on the things that would make me really happy in the present no matter how trivial: taking long walks, spending time with self-aware friends, and doing good work in areas i actually cared about. the cliche rings true, by figuring out what made me happy i found myself in the process: an extroverted girl who loves to reflect and feels passionately towards life.
now i tell people my dream is to live a life full of meaning, to have balance in life and dimension in my career. but most importantly, to have a significant and positive impact on people’s life. sometimes my desire to fulfill my dreams when unchecked sometimes still drives me crazy, but it is easier to take a step back as i am the one who gets to determine when enough is enough.
i feel all earnest, wise, and enlightened now. but i know thirty-something-year-old me will read this and be like oh what a fool. isn’t that the beauty of personal growth?
Totally agree with the importance of seeking validation internally, even though it's a tough thing to figure out. I do think the balance between external and internal is an interesting subject, cause sometimes the external is also helpful. For example, during moments of intense internal criticism, i found that external validation can be a healthy balancing force