the happiness trap

what i learned from the most difficult year of my life

last year was easily the hardest year of my life. but i won’t recap that here for the past is the past. i want to instead write about the most important thing i learned last year: the happiness trap.

all work of fiction, prose and poetry alike, has collectively led us to believe that the main purpose in life is to be happy. life is too short to be anything but happy, right? there is some truth to this, but simply prioritizing happiness will actually make you more miserable in the long run.

for starters, the belief causes us to be apprehensive of all other feelings, especially painful unpleasant ones. but to truly live is to feel it all — anger, sadness, heartbreak. to have an aversion towards these emotions will cause you to live a life where you constantly want to run away from these feelings and towards happiness. it is to live a life grounded on escapism.

we cannot choose what happens to us. tough times and unpleasant feelings are inevitable. but living a life where you are constantly running away from something is the gateway to unhealthy attachments. escapism does not change your reality. you can only change your reality when you embrace all the facts and the feelings. even the ones that will break your heart.

no feeling is permanent. not even the one that convinces you of forever. to pursue one doggedly over all the others is to play a losing game. it is much like holding on to a balloon that will eventually slip away from your fingers. the more you try to hold on to happiness, the more it eludes you.

painful feelings are not fun. but they are also a chance for us to let go of our desire for control and to get to know ourselves better. if it weren’t for 2015, 2019, and 2023, i would never have known the depths of my vulnerability and my strength. both of which are now the foundation that make up my character.

last year, i learned that i am graceful even in the face of extreme adversity. i learned how much my friends and family love me, and how resilience has taken root in me. i have the dreams i do now, and i am the person i am today, because of everything that happened to me. the world feels larger and nothing feels quite insurmountable.

sometimes superficial inconsequential things can make you happy. binging tubs of ice cream while watching a romantic comedy might bring you happiness in the moment. but it is fleeting. you will be left to clean the mess up afterwards. the irony is the things that make you happy now might not always make you happy in the future. and to be genuinely happy in the future, you have to do things that make you unhappy now. that is the happiness paradox.

i don’t want to be prioritizing happiness, i want to focus on meaning. i don’t want to live a life where i am holding onto something that doesn’t feel like it is mean to stay. i want to live a life where i am accepting of every feeling, even begrudgingly. i want to live a meaningful life.

meaning is much more substantial. having someone be on the receiving end of your phone call, one where you are in tears after experiencing what feels like the worst day of your life, isn’t exactly a happy event. but it is a meaningful one for it represents vulnerability and connectedness, all the emotions that makes our life feel real. meaning allows us to be present and to be fully human. it floods your heart with assurance— a sense of contentment that remains whispering to you that everything will be okay.

ps: what are some of your new year resolutions?

---

favourite thing i read recently

"In the end, stories are about one person saying to another, 'This is the way it feels to me. Can you understand what I’m saying? Does it feel this way to you?’”