the desire for change
how terrifying it is to be an adult
hi! thank you for subscribing :) here is a small note on how i have been feeling about change. let me know what you think!
on one very long night in May, over a bowl of halal street food that we had previously waited two hours in line for, M said: you know what scares me the most about the next five years? it is how different they will be from the previous five.
the weeks prior and weeks that followed have been a rude awakening for us. it felt as though having a hard time as a twenty-something was almost a necessary rite of passage. we each took our turns— having our sense of certainty dissipate overnight, catapulting us to question our futures and simmer in the unease that occupies us. i remember then telling M, i think what i am most afraid of is things not changing. that things will stay this way for a while. i don’t want to feel this way forever.
i recently realized that i have been spending the past few months escaping from the feeling by frantically planning the future. i took comfort in the idea that my future might be bright, and so i would not feel this way forever. i couldn’t possibly feel this way forever. but today i realized that things might be bad for a while, and i can’t just shrug off the feelings with ease. no form of escapism would do, i would have to make my peace.
when i first moved to new york at twenty-two, my future felt incredibly uncertain. no lease. no job. no real plan. again at twenty-six, i am going through similar motions. yet despite far more stability, i somehow feel much more nauseated this time. at twenty-two, i felt like there was nothing i couldn’t overcome. i accepted challenges with grace for i knew it would make me a stronger person. but now i am tired of learning and being strong. i wish i had a fraction of the ignorance i did then.
rationally i know that i will find my way. i also know that when i do this will not feel as insurmountable. that change will happen both gently and swiftly, and that life unfolds in ways that exceeds your plans and expectations. that things might actually be genuinely good again.
but where i am at right now is exhaustion. i am envious of people who tell me to just go through life as things will work out for the better. you know those are words from those who have never been burned by life. or if they have, they have the resounding optimism that i am struggling to maintain.
the hardest part of going through a terrible event is not letting it define you but allowing it to find its appropriate role in life. how do you balance strength and resignation? a drive to make something out of your life, while also allowing life to take its course without anxiety? how do you embrace change without wasting your present waiting for it?
i am trying to find a balance again, a resounding optimism for the future without much fear, and also myself. holding on to your tenderness as the world is harder than it actually is. but i promised that amidst all of life, i would remain myself. despite despite despite.
things that brought me joy recently
writing in my journal
laying on the grass outside my apartment
the perfect cardigan weather in September
2pm’s 15th-anniversary concert videos
unfiltered conversations that feel like a much-needed therapy session
watching parents bonding with Lia
bestdressed’s old thrifting videos
my comfortable pair of new balance shoes
my friend’s visa getting approved last minute (reunion is around the corner!)