making friends as an adult

also: how to make real friends

i find it much easier to make friends as an adult than as a college student. college was the best place for me to meet new people, but a hard one to cultivate real genuine friendships.

the strong sense of togetherness in college, you probably won’t experience anywhere else. coupled with the ability to hang out with friends after a short walk made it easy to make fast friends.

here is the catch though. a lot of the friends you make in college are situation or utility based friendships. meaning the reason why you are friends isn’t because you like them. but rather you live closely to them, or you have similar career aspirations. this makes the friendship unfortunately conditional in nature.

college prepares you for your professional career. so it is wise to think about your career. but if all you think about is your career and how your friends can help you, then you are set to make conditional friendships at best.

i want to preface by saying that some of these friendships can turn into genuine friendship. but the problem with this approach to friendship is you don’t really know how to build genuine friendships.

the main distinction between college and perhaps adult life is the number of people you meet. you meet less people once you graduate, i think that is a fact. but the reason why a lot of people struggle to make genuine friendship isn’t because they're not meeting enough people. it is because they don’t know how to make genuine friendships in the first place.

my definition of genuine friendship is perhaps akin to what Aristotle calls perfect friendship. my closest friends are people i admire, trust and genuinely enjoy spend time with. our friendship is grounded on sincerity, understanding and affinity. though i primarily screen for sincerity, my friends are the most hardworking and coolest people i know. but their drive is the last reason why i am friends with them.

being in new york has made it easier to make genuine friendships for me, akin to when i was in high school. primarily because everyone i meet i am no under obligation to. i meet them because i genuinely want to and vice versa. and the friends i have are on different paths. adulthood for me eliminates a lot of situational and transactional friendships.

so how do you cultivate genuine friendships? don’t see people as utility but as who they are. get to know them beyond their jobs and be yourself around them. don’t think about what people can do for you, and instead focus on what you can do for them. the right people will reciprocate your efforts and appreciate you for who you are too. one of the secrets to a fulfilling life is a life with real friends.