lowercase

also: how to tear the bandaid and just do it

hello! welcome to my weekly musings. this week i reflect on my struggle to press publish. why i scrape a lot of my ideas. and how i am trying to really.. just do more. if this resonates with you let me know :)

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i flirted with the idea of posting on substack for a year before actually doing it. i find myself paralyzed whenever i want to start something from scratch. not because i have doubts about wanting to do the thing. i know i want to do the thing, but i am scared i won’t do the thing well.

i am far from eloquent, too wordy too incoherent, yet i still desire to write well. when you read my newsletter i want you to feel the sense of awe i do when i read. my desire to impress unfortunately limited me to writing only drafts. because i felt like my writings were not good enough. because i felt like they wouldn’t impress.

i wanted to start my newsletter because i love to write. because writing helps me preserve a feeling and make sense of life. when someone tells me they resonated with what i write, i feel a deep and unparalleled sense of connection and joy.

yet when i started writing for my substack i was so fixated on trying to impress. i tried so hard to be good that i ended up not publishing anything for months.

so i started writing in lowercase. because when i do, i fool myself into focusing on the writing instead of the impressing. i feel like i am texting a friend, pouring my thoughts and feelings into text. the doing becomes easy when i am doing it for myself.

in the early days of the pandemic, i had a heavy tiktok phase. i would post at least one video each day. i had fun making them but eventually stopped because i felt like i was being cringe. looking back now, i feel proud of myself. for being able to do something for myself without caring about anything else.

one of my new year resolutions is to put more of my creative pursuits out there. even if it is cringe worthy, even when i am scared. i want to forget how i look when i am doing it and just do it.

when you are about to start something, anything, you are not going to impress anyone. you are probably going to be terrible at it. but it shouldn’t be enough reason to stop you from doing what you want to do. take a chance on yourself.