let me stay tender

despite despite despite

my life unraveled overnight. the impossible happened. everything that has happened since feels even more like a fever dream, an hour by hour deconstructing four years worth of lies.

i have since screamed. i have since raged. i have since announced my pain to the world. the pain that makes me want to start my life completely brand new. should i move to a new city where no one knows me? should i burn all my old clothes, and get rid of this body? they tell me the body keeps score. the body remembers trauma. how will my body remember this?

i was always told you move on from such tribulations by sweeping it under the rug. don’t talk about it. the less people who know, the better. pain is shame. but just because you hide it doesn’t mean it didn’t happen. and here is something i have learned by watching people all around me sweep their scars under the rug, it manifests. it leaks, and you will always find traces of it. in the form of shame, fear, and a more pessimistic worldview.

here is the unfortunate truth about life. no one has a perfect life. at one point or another, there will be some form of tragedy. without any warning, you could easily lose what you thought was everything. though i pray that you will never experience what i did, i believe everyone is pained in some way. this is my cross to bear. it is not my fault, and it is not fair, but it is my responsibility.

i refuse to let this change me. i refuse to let it break me. and i certainly refuse to let this define me. i have always said that I want to remain tender, despite despite despite. that in a world hell-bent on convincing me to yield, i want to be soft-hearted. i want to be oh so kind and full of love. this is my chance to prove it.

everything i need, i believe i can find within me. and for when i can’t, i will reach. to my childhood friends who watched me grow from a bold six-year-old to now a bold twenty-five-year-old. to my high school sweethearts who have been consistent in their love and presence for the past thirteen years despite the long distance. to my LA loves, who caught me each and every time i stumbled. to my New York family, who made me feel so accepted and loved in a city where i had no roots. to the long-lost friends, acquaintances, and strangers who have just opened their hearts for me. and to my family, who never tapered my boldness or limited my dreams because i was a girl, they are the reason why i believe tenderness is possible in the first place.

whenever we are faced with an unpleasant situation, we can choose to either run or face it head on. running away from the situation is perhaps easier, but your feelings will chase you, and your life will always be marred by fear. and here is something i know about myself, i am far too bold, courageous and brave to be fearful. i would not be where i am today if I had allowed fear for a second to take charge. i have raged, i have screamed, and now i will heal.