do you feel self hate after hurting others too?

dyftwt #1: self-hate for hurting people in the past

welcome to my column do you feel this way too where i try to give life advice. take just what you need with a grain of salt. if you need life advice, you can drop it here.

i am struggling with self hate from hurting people in the past. i also feel disappointed in myself for hurting people in the past. do you feel this way too?

dear reader,

i know and despise that feeling. i felt it most distinctly after one of my breakups many years ago, where i did most of the hurting. i hated the feeling because well, when we hurt others we become the villain in their story, and no one wants to be bad. the feeling also conceals a nagging question, how do you right the wrong?

here are some truths. no matter how hard you try, you can always inadvertently hurt others, even people you care most about. that doesn’t mean you should stop trying. but that also doesn’t necessarily make you a bad person. it simply means you are human.

actions however have consequences. while an apology isn’t always enough, a proper one can go a long way. giving someone a proper apology is hard partly because we find it hard to accept that we are capable of doing bad things despite our best intentions. but partly also because we like to use an apology as a bargaining chip i have apologized now take me back as if it never happened.

so a lot of apologies come off insincere and shallow, somewhere along the lines of oh i am sorry i didn’t mean it when instead it should sound like you are important to me, and i am sorry i made you feel that way.

once you apologize, the ball is in their court. whatever happens next is beyond your control. for what its worth, you are regretful. most people knowingly hurt others but don’t feel bad anyway. you can use this a chance to become a better person by learning from it. one mistake, especially one you have attempted to rectify, doesn’t define who you are as a person.

yours truly,

joy gracia