dating when you're unstable

also: how do you know you're ready to date

psa: this post is largely inspired by this tweet

it’s definitely possible to successfully date and fall in love when you’re in a super unstable place but the chances of meeting someone who’s good for you are much much lower

i would preface this post with what i mean by instability, which can either be circumstantial or emotional. being sixteen or seventeen is in effect an unstable time. your future feels uncertain and you are figuring yourself out. but when you outgrow the phase, you naturally outgrow the instability.

emotional instability is harder to define per se and a lot harder to manage. sometimes it can be triggered by external events, but most times there is a deep rooted internal issue that requires a lot of self-awareness and self-reflection to outgrow.

i was definitely unstable when i was eighteen. it was partially circumstantial: the numbing pressure of college apps and the uncertainty of my future. but it was also caused by my inability to manage my stress and keep my emotions in check. plus, i also didn’t really know what i wanted or what was good for me.

i was not a good partner then. i was ungrateful, way too emotional, and horrible at communicating. it took me years and a lot of self-reflection to mature. but even now i sometimes still need to keep myself in check.

but what is it about instability that makes it difficult to find someone who is good for you? my hypotheses go as far as: you attract people who are roughly similar to you and instability makes it harder for you to say no.

if you meet someone who is stable when you aren’t, they will probably realize that and will less likely be attracted to you. i also think when you are unstable, it is harder to appreciate someone who can be good for you.

i think when you are unstable, it is difficult to be levelheaded. meaning that it is hard to see things clearly, both the other person and yourself. you are probably negligent towards your needs and you are also probably a poor judge of character. the lack of clarity makes it harder to say no to things that aren’t good for you, because you can’t see they are bad for you.

i am positive that most people can outgrow that instability, but it takes work. i managed to do it by understanding my needs and identifying my issues. which required many many hours of solitude and self-reflection.

i knew i outgrew instability when i was genuinely ok with being by myself. this was reflected in my ability to disengage in self-destructive behaviors and say no to romantic prospects with valid reasons. it wasn’t that i no longer craved companionship, but i didn’t want to settle on anything but a good relationship.

when you are stable it is easier to attract someone who is good for you. and it makes it easier to build a good relationship. one where you feel seen and supported, and where you are able to be devoted. a relationship grounded on sincerity rather than convenience or compulsion.