choosing to love

love in lieu of rumination for the month of love

there are two types of love: one where you love because it is your duty to love, and the other where you choose to love.

the distinction isn’t always so clear, and sometimes one can lead to the other. an example of loving purely out of duty is filial piety. in chinese, filial piety is 孝顺 (xiào shùn). the words when taken apart means respect and obedience respectively. when taken to the extreme, filial piety means you ought to love those you are bound to unconditionally. this was the definition of love that was drilled into my brain. to love unconditionally, you had to be bounded by blood or marriage.

i grew up like an only child and i often felt lonely, envious of my classmates who had siblings. my brother and i are eleven years apart. my cousin who is closest to me by age lived a pacific ocean away. so i filled that chasm in my heart with my friends. and i have ever since developed a closeness to my friends in ways most people can’t quite understand.

in my junior year of high school, i remember having a conversation with my mom where she asked me what was the point in being so close with someone who isn’t your family?

i met D in sixth grade. we have consistently been in each other lives since. first loves. first heartbreaks. graduation. he has been on the receiving end of my stories as i have his. when i was moving into my college dorm, D carried my suitcases up three flights of stairs and helped me unpack. when i got dumped by my then-boyfriend on my first day of classes, we cried it out with a box of cupcakes.

i have found so much comfort and love in friendships that have outgrew its proxy. that it feels an awful lot like chosen family. it was through friendships like one with D that i understood. it was then that i knew what i wanted. i want to love not because i have to, and certainly not because i must. but despite having a million different options, i simply choose to love you.