a cluster of thoughts

things I have been thinking about lately

hi! here are some things i have been thinking about lately. if any of this resonates with you, i would love to hear from you

caring about what others think

we all care about what others think to varying degrees. i think it is a natural human tendency. i dare say i would score pretty low on the scale of caring about what others think about me. i say and do whatever i want, not in a i only care about myself type of way, but in a for as long as my actions don’t hurt others my happiness is more important than some superficial judgment. i make tiktoks though i get 5 views and wear dresses though i look like a kid because these things make me happy. i do things simply because they make me happy even if they are uncool.

sometimes i make questionable life decisions: decisions that in the moment baffle those around me but feel very right to me. like when i moved to new york without a job, or when i deliberately avoided dating for a year. they sure weren’t properly thought out but i just felt like i needed to do it for myself. in hindsight these decisions were some of the best things i did for myself.

there is a tradeoff between caring what other people think and your own happiness. the more you care about what other people think, the more you do things not because they are true to you but because you feel like you have to.

ambition as a virtue seeking trait

i think most people want so badly to be seen as ambitious. if not, they want a partner who is visibly ambitious even if they are not. not being associated with ambition seems to be the biggest insult there is.

i suspect people hypothesize that ambition predicts success, which to me feels strange and defeats the whole purpose of ambition. success is general; ambition is personal. it stems from knowing what you want from life and having a sense of direction to build a life that is true to you.

sometimes ambition comes and goes. sometimes people get great jobs without trying. sometimes ambition yields success. there is no perfect formula and correlation doesn’t imply causation. so if you are measuring someone’s ambition, what are you really measuring? or if you are busy dropping not so subtle hints about your drive and accomplishments, are you really ambitious or do you just want people to think you are?

principles of giving

when i give i try to not expect anything in return. this gets hard when the relationship is incredibly lopsided. but generally, i focus on what i can give rather than what i can get. my actions are within my locus of control and reflect who i am as a person. acknowledgment is nice but not necessary because what i get in return is entirely beyond my control.

i give because i want so badly to be generous. i want so badly to be generous and kind and tender. i don’t want the way others think, feel or do change who i am. when my uncle passed away two novembers ago, i remember how everyone just talked about how incredibly kind he was. i know that to be true. but my uncle was also an incredibly accomplished first generation immigrant. a brilliant engineer. that was however the least impressive thing about him. i want to be like him in the sense i want the most remarkable thing about me to be my personality, not where i work or how much money i make. i want to stay tender.

meaningful work

i think doing work i genuinely like is really important to me. i am baffled when people say they work just to work. sure work is not everything and not the most important thing but if you are spending at least a third of your time on it might as well have it be significant?

when i am looking for work, i am really just chasing a feeling. a feeling that my work is important and i am both creatively and technically challenged. now i know there is no perfect opportunity, but in trying to hit all the corners i come close.

i also know i am an all or nothing type of person. i need to be obsessed with something in order to do well. and i can only be obsessed with something if it has some significance to me.

my personal external motivation

i think when it comes to my career my biggest external motivation is i want to prove that you don’t have to be cut throat or overwhelmingly type A to succeed. I want to prove that you can succeed while retaining your humanity and having a life outside of work. i don’t think you have to choose between yourself and your career. i really don’t. if so, i refuse to choose.