25

everything i learned at twenty-four

hi! this week’s newsletter is a little special as i turn 25 today! every year i reflect on the previous, this year is no different. hope you enjoy it :) thanks for subscribing

funny how things happen when you least expect them to. i spent a bulk of twenty four in suspension craving for change, whether it was in the form of a new job or a significant other.

i wanted change to happen so badly and in the timeframe i had in mind. do you know how when you are waiting for something it is all you can think about? you start obsessing over every little detail because you think about it so much? then you develop this fear that it will never happen though rationally you know it will?

that was me for most of 24. i would make the simplest typos during programming interviews and be so nervous in anticipation of them that i would skip out on my periods. i would impulsively refresh my inbox in the middle of brunch hoping for an email that would change the course of my life. on first dates i would sit silently in smiles as opposed to my typical exuberant self as i fixated on getting them to like me.

i knew i had to be patient with the process, but it didn’t make the waiting less painful. one fine day in august, i asked myself: what was the worst thing that would happen if i didn’t get what i wanted?

honestly, nothing. things could be better, but things were also objectively good. i just couldn’t see it because i was obsessed. i came to terms with the fact that even if i didn’t get the job, there will be other jobs for me. even if i didn’t meet the love of my life, being single was far better than being with the wrong person.

so i just focused on what i could, that was enjoying my life. i took classes and worked on projects to develop my confidence. i brought myself out on dates. i deepened the relationships i already had. i made vlogs, read books, did pretty much everything i liked. i wanted to love my life and appreciate all the good things even if change never came.

i guess when you stop obsessing, you become your most authentic self. you are worried less about the outcome, and you learn to enjoy the process. that way you get to do your best work, and be yourself. and when you are yourself, it is easier to form real bonds.

a few months later, i got a new job that combines everything i like. a role that is almost tailor made for me. i also started dating — someone who i had known for years but never really talked to. someone who makes me wonder why i was ever doubtful about love. someone who makes every shitty thing i had to go through worth it.

i learned at 24, life often doesn’t happen the way you like or in the timeframe you have in mind. but life is far more interesting than what you have in mind for yourself.

i am really grateful for 24 because it was the year i learned to really live in the present. it was the year i fell in love with my life. not because everything was perfect, but because i learned to appreciate everything i already had and embraced all of my selves.

so what do i want for twenty five? i want to be as i am. i want to remain tender and passionate and reckless. i want to keep making mistakes and learning. i want to pursue all of my dreams. to live fully and without regrets, a life that is mine and mine only.